~Dezi-nii-san

This is just a bunch of Auburn - Alabam jokes I found on the net, and I'm FROM Alabama and still posting it, so PLEASE DONT get mad, gah.


An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
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An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters. The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?" To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"
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A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"
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A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.

The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"

The guy says, "Nah."

To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly.

A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"

The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"

The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet" _________________________________________________________________
You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.

... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.

... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"

... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.

... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.

... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.

... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!

... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.

... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.

... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.
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An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.

The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.

The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.

The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"
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Firing Squad
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.

First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."

The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.

The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";

The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.

The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...."

The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"
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An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Aubie, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
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An Auburn student wanted to join the College baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!" said the student eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the student came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Auburn Student said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the student, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Auburn Student. "Three hundred and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?" To which the Auburn Student sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...." _________________________________________________________________
An Alabama Fan is driving with an Auburn Fan as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Auburn Fan if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Auburn Fan steps out and stands in front of the car.
The Alabama Fan turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?" To which the Auburn Fan responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
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The Auburn Cheerleader reported for her final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
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An Auburn Cheerleader came home and complained of the high gas prices.
And furthermore, she was really tired of having to by 'that old gas'.
"I always have the buy the gas from '87, it's all I can afford.
It would really be nice to be able to buy some of the newer gas,
like the '89 or even the '91. As a matter of fact, I was wondering:
Why haven't they made any gas since 1991?"
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Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" the first Auburn guy asked.
"Easy," replied the second. "We'll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off yours."
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. "Now what are we going to do?" asked the first.
The second replied, "Well, why don't you just take the black one and I'll take the white one."
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Some Auburn Crooks decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning
they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to
get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.

Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit
boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the
first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The head Auburn Crook says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they
eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box
and there sits another pudding.

They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process
continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have
been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes.
Disappointed the head Crook said "Well, at least they left something for
us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest
sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people".
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A Georgia, Florida, and Auburn Grad were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Georgia Grad, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Florida Grad agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17, 000 on a new car," he laments, "...and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The Auburn Grad nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Panama City. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn’t even have a penis!
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There was an Alabama Student, an Auburn Student and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train going through California. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Alabama Student were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Auburn Student had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Auburn Student was thinking:
'The Alabama fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Auburn fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Alabama Student and got slapped for it.' And the Alabama Student was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Auburn bastard again.'
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An Auburn student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the tired line "Where do you go to school at?" The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Auburn student takes a big deep breath and says again, "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AT!?"
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Two Auburn Farmers are walking down different ends of a street toward
each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Bo, what'cha got in th' bag?"
--- "Jus' some chickens.
--- "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
--- "I'll give you both of them."
--- "OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
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A Florida, Tennessee and an Auburn student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Auburn. The Florida student opens his lunch box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going to jump off this bridge!"
The Tennessee student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to jump too!"
Lastly the Auburn student opens his lunchbox and complains, "Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I'm going to end it all too!"
The next day the Florida student finds another hotdog and jumps... the Tennessee student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too... finally the Auburn student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Florida mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't like hotdogs," and the Tennessee mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him." The Auburn mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch every day!"